A Simply Way to Make a Good First Impression - Smile

Whenever you go out-of-doors, draw the chin in, carry the crown of the head high, and fill the lungs to the utmost; drink in the sunshine; greet your friends with a smile, and put soul into every handclasp. Do not fear being misunderstood and do not waste a minute thinking about your enemies. Try to fix firmly in your mind what you would like to do; and then, without veering off direction, you will move straight to the goal. Keep your mind on the great and splendid things you would like to do, and then, as the days go gliding away, you will find yourself unconsciously seizing upon the opportunities that are required for the fulfillment of your desire, just as the coral insect takes from the running tide the element it needs. Picture in your mind the able, earnest, useful person you desire to be, and the thought you hold is hourly transforming you into that particular individual... Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental attitude - the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To think rightly is to create. All things come through desire and every sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts are fixed. Carry your chin in and the crown of your head high. We are gods in the chrysalis. Continue reading...

Dating another woman

和另一女人約會？ 結婚了廿一年後，我發現了一種別出心裁的方法， 可以讓愛的火花永保新鮮。 不久以前，我和另一位女士約會，其實那還是我妻子的主意， 有一天她說：「我知道你很愛她。」

我很驚訝，立刻爭辯說： 「但我愛的是妳呀！」「我知道，但你也愛她呀！」

我妻子要我去看的女士是我的母親。 她已經寡居了十九年，然而我忙碌的工作和身為二個孩子父親的責任，令我分身乏術， 以致很少有時間和她相聚。 那晚，我打電話給她，邀約她第二天和我一起吃晚餐和看電影。

「怎麼了，你還好嗎？」她問道。 母親是那種會認為晚上那麼晚打電話，又突然邀約她 ，一定不會有什麼好事的人。

「我想如果有機會和妳單獨約會，一定很有意思。」我回答。

她想了一會兒，然後說：「我非常樂意。」

那個星期五下班以後，我開車去接她時，心裡有一點緊張， 因為從未嚐試過這樣的約會。 當我到達她家時，我看她對這樣的約會，似乎也有一點緊張。 她在門內等著，身上穿著大衣，裡面那件禮服 還是最後一次慶祝結婚紀念日所穿的呢！ 她的頭髮還特意捲了一下，臉上的微笑像天使一般。

上了車後，她得意洋洋地說：「我告訴我的朋友，我要和我的兒子外出約會， 他們都好羨慕，迫不及待要聽聽我們約會的情形。」 
我們去一家雖不豪華，但十分雅致，溫暖舒適的餐廳。 我母親挽住我的臂彎，好像第一夫人一般。 入座以後，我必須幫她看菜單點菜， 因為她的眼睛現在只有大的字才看得見。 用餐一半時，我抬起頭來，看到母親正在凝視我， 嘴角帶著懷舊的笑容說：「記得當你小時候，總是我為你看菜單的。」 「那現在妳正好可以休息，輪到我來為妳服務了。」我回答。

一面享用晚餐，我們一面聊天，聊得很愉快， 談了許多最近幾年來，各自生命中的一些事。 我們聊得太久了，所以趕不上電影。當我送她回到家門口， 她說「我要再和你一起外出，但下次讓我作東好嗎？」我答應了。

回家後，妻子問我：「你的晚餐約會如何？」 
「非常有意思，比我想像的好多了！」~我回答。

 幾天以後，母親因心臟病猝發而去世。這事發生得太突然了， 讓我完全措手不及。

 不久以後，我收到一封信，裡面是上次我和母親約會的那家餐館的一張收據，上面有一 張字條寫著： 「我已先付了賬，因為我確定自己不可能再有機會去了，但我還是付了兩人份的賬──你和你的妻子。 你絕對想不到那一晚的約會對我有多大的意義，我愛你。」

從那一刻起，我深深體會，一定要及時說： 「我愛你」，並且要常常撥出時間給我們所愛的人。 世上沒有任何事比自然如來因緣和你的家庭更重要， 多花時間和他們在一起，因為這事絕不能拖延到「以後有時間時?」。

「樹欲靜而風不止，子欲養而親不待」是人生一大憾事。

聖經不是也告訴我們嗎？ 「凡事都不可虧欠人，惟有愛，要常以為虧欠， 因為愛人的，就完全了律法。」 Continue reading...

4 Pernicious Phases that Kill a Relationship

The following is an excerpt from Awaken the Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny!Chapter 21.

In her book How to Make Love All the Time, my friend Dr. Barbara DeAngelis identifies four pernicious phases that can kill a relationship. By identifying them, we can immediately intervene and eliminate problems before they baloon into destructive patterns that threaten the relationship itself.

Stage One, Resistance: The first phase of challenges in a relationship is when you begin to feel resistance. Virtually anyone who's ever been in a relationship has had times when they felt resistance toward something their partner said or did. Resistance occurs when you take exception or feel annoyed or a bit separate from this person. Maybe at a party they tell a joke that bothers you and you wish they hadn't. The challenge, of course, is that most people don't communicate when they're feeling a sense of resistance, and as a result, this emotion continues to grow until it becomes...

Stage Two, Resentment: If resistance is not handled, it grows into resentment. Now you're not just annoyed; you're angry with your partner. You begin to separate yourself from them and erect an emotional barrier. Resentment destroys the emotion of intimacy, and this is a destructive pattern within a relationship that, if unchecked, will only gain speed. If it is not transformed or communicated, it turns into...

Stage Three, Rejection: This is the point when you have so much resentment built up that you find yourself looking for ways to make your partner wrong, to verbally or non-verbally attack them. In this phase, you begin to see everything they do as irritating or annoying. It's here that not only emotional separation occurs, but also physical separation as well. If rejection is allowed to continue, to lessen our pain, we move to...

Stage Four, Repression: When you are tired of coping with the anger that comes with rejection phase, you try to reduce your pain by creating emotional numbness. You avoid feeling any pain, but you also avoid passion and excitement. This is the most dangerous phase of a relationship because this is the point at which lovers become roommates - no one else knows the couple has any problems because they never fight, but there's no relationship left.

What's the key to preventing these "Four R's"? The answer is simple: communicate clearly up front. Make sure your rules are known and can be met. To avoid blowing things out of proportion, use Transformational Vocabulary. Talk in terms of preferences: instead of saying, "I can't stand it when you do that!" say, "I'd prefer it if you did this instead." Develop pattern interrupts to prevent the type of argument where you can't even remember what it's about anymore, only that you've got to win. Continue reading...

Alone on Penang Bridge

Months after I made my solo descend from Sasanarakkha Buddhist Sanctuary, I found myself alone, again, on an endless stretch of road.

This time, I was not in the wilderness with an adjacent graveyard. I was on one of the biggest megastructure in Malaysia - Penang Bridge that spans 13 kilometers.

Penang Bridge Internation Marathon, held once per year, is the only time you will find the bridge closed for traffic.

There was no single soul in my line of sight. As I sat there on the cold rough road, I was finally at ease. No man is an island, but for that brief moment, I had a complete sense of solitude. A calm feeling that was in stark contrast to the hustle and bustle of a metropolitan life.

Unlike Sasanarakkha Buddhist Sanctuary trip where I ended up in cold sweat and goosebumps, I was happy I started the 10km walk. Continue reading...

Confronting My Greatest Fear

All of a sudden, darkness enveloped me. I looked at my surroundings, but there wasn't a faintest ray of light reflected off any surface. A moment ago, I looked back to the gate, just in time to catch the last glimpse of light faded away into the distance as I made a right turn. Beyond that point, light ceased to exist. I was shrouded in total darkness. As I stood there, in the middle of a palm oil plantation, a bizarre fear built up in me.

I didn't want to continue the descend.

This wasn't what I expected to encounter when I visited Sasanarakkha Buddhist Sanctuary. I have come to the sanctuary a day before Kathina Day to avoid the buzzing crowd, to soak myself in nature wonders and to frame the spectacular views into digital files. But at 8 p.m., after a two-hour stay in the sanctuary, I was starving and tired. I longed for a hot meal and wanted to leave Sasanarakkha Buddhist Sanctuary as fast as possible.

I walked to the rendezvous point where I could ride a jeep down. To my dismay, the jeep would only depart after another 30 minutes. I couldn't wait. And I didn't want to wait. The hike down by foot would take 20 minutes. If I quickened my pace, I could probably make it in 15 minutes. I contemplated the options I had. Was it wise to foray into the darkness alone? Could there be muggers hiding behind bushes waiting to ambush me? Or maybe there were things even more sinister out there in the wild?

I was scared, but I started the descend.

The air was still. I breathed heavily. Raising my hand while activating the illumination, I looked at my watch. It was 8.15 p.m., merely 5 minutes into the descend. I knew I wasn't that far from the gate of Sasanarakkha Buddhist Sanctuary. Should I turn back? But that would mean conceding defeat. Besides, if I pushed forward, there was just another 10-minute walk ahead. It wouldn't take long, I reassured myself.

I was still scared, yet I continued the descend.

Fortunately, the concrete pavement made easy my descend. I didn't have to worry stumbling over tree roots or rocks. Without a way to illuminate my path, I took out my cell phone and pressed the cancel button repeatedly to get the small screen lighted all the time. With that dim light, I kept a steady pace.

The night was eerily quiet. An intense fear crept up my spine as flashes of horror scenes from movies flickered through my mind. To make matter worse, a Chinese graveyard was just a stone throw away. I couldn't help it but think of the inhabitants there. My mind had played a trick on itself and I was cut out of the loop. I wasn't in control. All I could do was to chatter prayers.

Soon, steep slope became flat land and the concrete pavement ended abruptly. In front of me lied a narrow path cutting through a palm oil plantation. The fear in me did not subside. Raising my feet higher to avoid kicking rocks on the uneven earth, I broke into a small run.

I had no idea how long I ran. I only slowed down when I heard the distance sound of the roar of a car engine. The head lights came nearer and nearer until the jeep halted beside me. The driver looked expectantly at me and smiled.

"Why don't you get into the car?"

I must have looked like hell. Without uttering a word, I climbed onto the back of the jeep.

As I sat there in the jeep, I realized that my skin resembled a goosebump farm. The night wasn't hot but I was soaked wet. It was cold sweat.

I didn't wait for the jeep, but I ended in one.
Continue reading...

Revelation from an Oversized Feline

Come to think about it, sometimes we spend so much time planning we get nothing done in the end. Why? Because we spend too much energy laying out a grand plan but we don't take actions to make it a reality. There simply isn't any follow-up action.

It's not the plan that is important, it's the planning.
- Graeme Edwards

As important as it seems, planning is just the beginning. If we don't take action, we are not going to accomplish anything.

Now, who said Garfield is all fat and no substance? Continue reading...

There you go, 4 posts per month

WARNING: CRAPS ahead!

When I started writing for this blog many months ago, I set myself a clear goal. A goal to have around 100 posts posted by the end of the first year, which would mean an average of 2 posts per week, or 8 posts per month, or 24 posts per quarter. At a time when everyone was talking about Project 365 and Mars landing, this couldn't seem easier.

Well, I'm glad to announce here that there is no longer a need to track and analyze my performance anymore, as it is shown blatantly at the blog archive that - I have failed miserably. Hmm, maybe not.

Weeks into writing boring and unfathomable posts, I decided to tweak my goal. Yes, even writing two posts per week proved to be too much of a hassle for a pathetic procrastinator like me.

"This is bullshit!" My mind yelled at me. "I can't possibly handle two posts per week, it's too much work!"

"OK, OK." I said. "I'm gonna reduce that by half, one post per week, alright?"

This was good news. Now I only need to do 50 percent of what I'm initially expected to do. Great.

July came. July went. And I'm stuck with 3 posts.

So here I am, writing this piece of crap, in order to fulfill the quota of 4 posts per month. Please don't hate me. I have to do this, seriously, so that my contract won't be terminated by, well, myself.

OK, there you go. End of the crap. Hope you are not choking by now ;p

Continue reading...

How to Deal with Naysayers, Complainers and Pessimists

If you read my previous post, you will know that naysayers, complainers, whiners and pessimists turn me off. Most of the time, I would try my best to draw the line, but what if they are someone close to me? I can't possibly distance myself from family members, relatives or best buddies when they are naysayers and chronic complainers, can I?

The following newsletter from Learning Strategies on dealing with naysayers, pessimists and complainers hits the bull's eye:

Do negative people rub you the wrong way? A negative, pessimistic, and complaining person can wear on your nerves and deplete your energy faster than you realize.

And trying to change their attitude wastes even more of your energy. Your effort has no chance of success when they do not want to cooperate.

When you believe that positive thinking is desirable and negative thinking is undesirable, then you are empowering people to irritate you when they think and talk in negative ways.

Dr. Al Siebert, author of The Survivor Personality and our Resiliency personal learning course, calls that kind of thinking "The Theme Song of the Human Race."

This belief, "If only other people would change, things would be much better for me," may indeed be correct, he says, but it also makes it possible for negative people to control you. When others are negative they can upset you, cause you to spend time and energy trying to cope with their negativism, and frustrate your positive efforts.

The solution to regaining control is not to change them but to change how you respond to them.

Start by giving the negative person permission to be here on Earth the way they are.

"When you feel frustrated or feel an energy drain, treat the difficulty as a test in the school of life," Al says. "Look at it as an opportunity to learn about your blind spots. Appreciate opportunities to learn better ways of handling people who knock you off balance emotionally."

Next, replace the thought "If only they would change, my life would be much better" with questions.

Ask, "How might I respond differently so that I am less vulnerable? What could I do to regain control? How can I handle negativity in positive ways?"

When someone says something negative, try one of the following:

* Say, "You may be right," then change the subject.

* Pretend you didn't hear them. Attention is a big payoff for people with pessimistic attitudes, so stop reacting to their negative statements. Withdraw attention. Be selectively impolite.

* Be playful. Say, "It's much worse than you know." Describe more things to be upset about, and then be quiet or leave.

* Say, "Now that you've identified the problem, what is your plan for dealing with it?"

* See the benefit of their negative thinking. Develop an appreciation for the ability of chronically pessimistic people to see potential risks and problems that others overlook.

* Make the negative person a useful resource. Ask them to help you anticipate difficulties. If you thank them for their critical thinking, your relationship will probably improve.

Rehearse what you might say the next time you are around a negative person. Notice how much more in control you feel when you develop a positive plan of action.

The key to making your life better is to stop blaming others for triggering reactions in you that you don't like and to focus instead on discovering better ways to respond. When you change how you react, your emotional strain is reduced.
Continue reading...

Overcoming Procrastination

I have a secret.

I procrastinate.

Many of us have a penchant for procrastination. Almost everyone occasionally procrastinates. However, to say that I procrastinate is an understatement. I would put off doing certain tasks for days, even weeks. I told my friend I would write a post about banks creating money out of nothing when I visited her, but I didn't start writing until two weeks later. My habit of procrastinating has spiraled into a disruptive problem in my personal life. I am a chronic procrastinator.

The seed of procrastination was first planted during my college days. I would put off completing assignments until the last possible minute. I would always print out all the lecture notes and tutorials at the start of a semester, and placed them on a shelf. Then, 24 hours before the exams, I dusted off the notes and buried myself in a frenzied revision. By the time all the exams were over, usually two or three days later, I was like a zombie, an animated corpse starved of sleep. Of course, my penchant for procrastination took its toll. Mediocre results, stress, anxiety, guilt and resentment ensued. Yet, I procrastinated, again and again, without fail. Then, I lacked the will to change.

There are many causes to procrastination. Laziness, stress, lack of discipline and poor time management are some of them. Those symptoms attack me from time to time. Yet, I now realize that there is one particular behavior pattern rooted deep within me that is triggering my procratination habit - the strive for perfection.

I always want to deliver the best. Because of that, I am afraid of making mistakes. "If I make mistakes, the outcome will not be perfect." I would convince myself. The fear of making mistakes and eventually succumbing to imperfection gives me a reason to put off a task that would be better accomplished ASAP. I will give myself excuses to avoid the task until I can find a better way to do it. And this usually means indefinite delay until the last possible minute. Now, there isn't enough time for me to complete the task perfectly. Poor results follow. But I can still let myself off the hook by telling myself that I could have done it better if I had more time. I guess in some ways I act instinctively to protect my fragile ego, that I am a imperfect human, that I can't get the best results all the time.

Procrastination is self perpetuating. The act of procrastinating can become automatic and ingrained. That's what I'm experiencing. Procrastination has become part of me.

People told me it is hard to change one's habit or nature. I do not believe that. It is a question of whether one can find the will to change. Breaking a habit is not an easy task, but it certainly can be done.

The simplest way to beat procrastination is to just get started. I have to allow myself to be human and admit that I cannot get everything done perfectly. Start small. As long as I get started, I can always revise the way I do it later. Miraculously, the task always turned out to be less daunting when I started early :)

Life is short. If we procrastinate and dally one hour per day, we would have wasted 15 days after one year. 15 days! We can accomplish so much more if we don't procrastinate. Act with a sense of urgency. Work on yourself. Then, you will find out that the world is an awesome place after all ;)
Continue reading...

Father Forgets

Too often we are quick to criticize others. It is always easier to find fault in others than to admit we ourselves have blundered.

I once hissed and spat venom towards a close friend, to defend and to protect myself. It was impulsive. But it was wrong. I then apologized and we were back on good terms (luckily). Was the initial outburst necessary? No.


"Father forgets" was written by W. Livingston Larned. It is such a wonderful piece that it should act as a constant reminder for all of us to think twice, if not thrice before criticizing or scolding someone, especially our children:

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” and I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were expensive - and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the interruption, you hesitated at the door. “What is it you want?” I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightended with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy - a little boy!”

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much.

Continue reading...

Don't Listen to Naysayers

It is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled
or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena;
whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly;
who errs and comes short again and again...
who knows the great enthusiasms,
the great devotions,
and spend himself in a worthy cause;
who at the best knows in the end
the triumph of high achievement;
and who, at the worst,
if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be
with those cold and timid souls
who know neither victory nor defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt, 1910

There will always come a time in life when you decide to change your status quo. It could be a career change, a move to a foreign city, or simply any new venture that departs from your existing state of affairs. As usual with making any important decisions, you will want to seek advice and opinion from family members, friends and colleagues.

Take their opinions, particularly objections with a grain of salt.

Now, I am not proposing that you abruptly reject their objections. Listen to what they have to say. Most of the time, family members shoot down your wondrous proposal because they have your best interest at heart. They might think that your idea is badly made and it would not work as intended. Analyze their opinions. They may not be right all of the time. If you still think your idea is viable, by all means, go ahead. But do take steps to reassure those who have different opinions, just to ease their worry.

Contrary to those who have your best interest at heart, you will probably have a couple of people in your life who constantly rant and whine about the most insignificant inconveniences. Having poor and downbeat attitude, they always view the glass half empty. Due to their pessimism, they seldom leave their comfort zone, and will be the last one to take up new challenges. They are the naysayers.

As soon as you bring up your doubt, these naysayers will stop at nothing to bring a sense of negativity to the situation. This doesn't mean they have had bad experiences before and are now harping about it, trying to save you from repeating the same mistakes. They just feel uncomfortable at your endeavour.

I do not approve of naysayers. They are those cold and timid souls, who know neither victory nor defeat. I'd rather try and fail than do nothing. We as human beings learn from mistakes. An infant will fall before he learns to walk. We must be willing to make mistakes.

When you come across this type of people, ignore them. Their negative comments do not contain any real value and only work to sabotage your attempt, hindering you from reaching the next level.

Can you identify anyone in your life who fits the above descriptions? Continue reading...

Love is not a zero-sum game

We are all gamers. We play games everyday.

A game is being played whenever people interact with each other. Men and women play courting games. An employee and his boss negotiating his pay raise are playing a bargaining game. When an internet user logs in to Ebay to bid for his favourite item, he is playing a game with the other bidders of that item.

On a chess board, the player's sole aim is to checkmate his opponent. With that move, he claims complete victory, thus becoming the winner. Like most other games, chess is a zero-sum game. If you don't win, you lose.

Zero-sum game, as explained in Wikipedia.

In game theory and economic theory, zero-sum describes a situation in which a participant's gain or loss is exactly balanced by the losses or gains of the other participant(s). If the total gains of the participants are added up, and the total losses are subtracted, they will sum to zero.

Then, is love a zero-sum game?


Trapped in a period of sulking after exiting my previous relationship, I was inclined to believe love is a zero-sum game. I remember feeling bitter during that time. While she has found bliss, I was in a bad shape.

Of course, I was duly wrong.

I realized that after shifting to a different mindset. When there is no light at the end of the tunnel, breaking up would be a better solution. This is not a win-lose situation, it is win-win for both of us.

The Game of Love isn't a zero-sum game. That's for sure. Continue reading...